NeverMind: 2015

Getting rid of constant feeling of quilt

12/30/2015

Do you ever feel like you are in a good place in life, settled and happy but cannot shake the feeling of quilt about something you are currently not doing? Or just feel like your life is too good to be true and something bad is going to happen at any minute? That is what I am dealing with at this point and I want it gone. Sometimes life is just good, with no hidden agenda.

I have been feeling so lazy lately. But not lazy in general, I am a very selective lazy person I guess. I am currently lazy in writing posts, working on my masters degree and replying to emails, texts messages, sometimes even calls. The thing is, I am now very effective in other things, more of a housewife tasks. Lately I have been getting this urge to clean everything and get things in order in our house, make lists and prepare for future events. Cook and bake and make little thoughtful Christmas gifts for my family. Decorate our little apartment for Christmas and make everything pretty. Looking trough ideas for my wedding and making plans for the future. These are the things I am passionate about, my family, my plans, our future, happiness, here and now. About meeting out little baby boy in a short two months time. This is a pregnancy thing, right? I am changing so much and I have mixed feelings about it. On top of everything good I still feel quilt about the things I am not doing right now.

I am 8 months pregnant and very happy with my family life and proud of how far have I come. How I worked trough an awful eating disorder in the past, got over some tough situations in life, proud of how well I am handling my now very very rare panic attacks and going to amazing therapy sessions which have changed my life completely. Proud of me for accepting my own flaws, realizing my wrongs and owning my mistakes. Proud of letting go of quilt for something I had no real control over. Proud of my great family who stood by me and who I can always count on. Proud of my friends, who have stayed by my side no matter what. This is my life and I am doing okay.

There is still so much I want to do in life education wise, career wise, but I have no willpower and no real motivation for it. How is that I cannot get over the quilt? Because this is how I feel right now, a mix of happiness, joy, laziness and quilt for not working on some very important things in my life. I a type of person who always looks for something that is wrong, for something to feel quilt in life. It is a very messed up situation - there are times when I feel pure joy and I get confused for a moment, because I forget about bad things. And then I remember that there is something I was worrying about that day, before my happy moment. I know there was something. And then I question myself and wonder, until I find something. And I will always think of something. This is quite common in people nowadays, as my therapist says. We are constantly doing something, rushing, thinking non stop and we do not let or minds rest. As far as I can remember, I was always a nervous kid, always thinking, analyzing, feeling afraid and being anxious. Going trough situations in my head over and over again - what I said, how I acted, how did everyone react, who laughed at me, why, what is that person thinking of me right now and so on. It is exhausting and no wonder I grew up developing panic attacks - I never knew how to deal with problems, I kept everything bottled up inside. No one knew what is going on with me. Even when I was semi-honest, I always kept something bottled up inside. Always. It was exhausting and pointless. Problems catch up with you, even if your mind pushes them away, your body will remind you of them. This one is hard to get rid off, that is why I am writing about it. Maybe it will help me getting this out there. Maybe it will help one of you. Lets all be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a break. Just relax. It took us years to become like this, it is going to take years to change our ways of dealing with things. Our minds are powerful and subconsciousness is something we have no control over. It takes time to change our patterns.

I decide everyday that I am currently fine with my lack of will for my education and career, because I deserve time to enjoy my wedding, my pregnancy, the arrival of my precious little baby and feeling happy about my life. There is no need for quilt right now. You decide what your priorities are and stick with them. Choose to be happy. Maybe this is all there is about life. Decisions.

M.

celebration

10 unique christmas trees

12/19/2015

Accessories

Pregnancy fun stuff: nursery themes

11/26/2015

baby

Knitted baby clothes part 2

11/11/2015

beauty

Top 3 Blushes for Fall

11/10/2015

These days I don´t leave my house without a little bit of blush. I just adore deeper berry color cheeks for this time of year and I like to combine it with minimal make-up. I have quite a few blushes but I tend to stick to my 3 favourites. All 3 are matte finish blushes, no surprise here, and they are all perfect for the fall. And probably the best part is they are all drugstore brands so they are very affordable.

Catrice - Rosewood Forest (left), Sleek - Flushed (top) and Gosh - Rose Whisper (right)

Let´s start with the lightest one. Gosh Natural Blush in Rose Whisper (36) is my go-to everyday blush and also my absolute favourite. It is a subtle pink shade blush with matte finish and amazing pigmentation. This one looks great no matter what season it is or what look are you going for. When in doubt I always reach for this one. Even though is a subtle pink blush it has an amazing pigmentation and it is very long lasting. I am surprised no one ever mentions it.

Next on the list is the cheapest of the 3 - Catrice Cosmetics Defining Blush in the shade Rosewood Forest (060). This one is similar to the one above, just a little deeper and a little less pink. Is is a bit more mature color, just like all deeper colors. Lighter Pink and coral colors create illusion of a younger face and the deeper berry colors the opposite. Keep that in mind the next time you are shopping for blushes. Again, this one has a matte finish, amazing pigmentation, you only need a bit of product on your brush. But you can always build up the intensity if that´s what you prefer.

Last but certainly not least is Sleek blush in Flushed. I am so impressed with this blush I have to order some more colors. I know I said all of these are pigmented, and they are, but this one takes the cake. I have never seen such a strong color payoff. You need to be careful with this one if you don´what to end up looking crazy. This blush is deep berry, in some lights almost red shade. A true fall blush that you need in you´re collection. And I love that it comes with a mirror.

If you read my blog regularly you might remember I did a similar post a few months ago about my 5 favourite blushes and all of these made it on there. You can read it here. I hope you enjoyed this post. Let me know if you own any of these and share you`re favourite fall time blush. Don´t forget to check last weeks beauty post and come back next week for more Beauty talk.

N.

emotions

Effects of not having Home Internet for a while

11/04/2015

I never thought it would be me. I never thought about what would I do in hard times like this. But it happened to me. I lost my Internet Service. I went cold turkey and it wasn´t by choice. I survived and I am sharing my experience with you. :)

Sorry for all the drama. I thought this "Internet addiction" we all have deserves a bit of humour with a glitch of sarcasm. The thing was, we moved to a new apartment a few weeks ago. It is bigger, brighter, with a little private yard space where we can barbecue and is in general a nice transition from the apartment building we lived in before. But we still have no Internet Service at home or even TV. For a Journalist/blogger and a computer programmer/ software engineer couple a first few days were tough. But then it got better and then it got great. Now it is just getting old. We still have a week left until we get our Internet Service set up and I am sitting in a public library to get my work done. And my computer time here is limited to 2 hours. And no, I am not stealing my neighbours WiFi or driving to my friends house just for the Internet. I have come to my peace with this situation and I am more relaxed.

Oh and yeah, we have mobile Internet but we used up all of our data very quickly. Honestly, who knew it would take this long to get an Internet Service nowadays. Anyway, I use my phone to check my email inbox and read BabyBump, because I love that app now that I am pregnant :) That's it.

Here is what I loved about being completely off the grid. We did everything as a couple and loved each others company. We talked about us, about our little family and our little boy, arriving in February next year. We made plans, to-do lists and set up our new apartment the way we like it and it works for us. We got a crib and are starting to set up the baby´s nursery, getting his things ready. We cleaned and cooked together, went for walks and watched movies. We even made future financial plans, sorted out our bills for years back. made budgets, Christmas lists and planned our wedding. It was and still is nice for us so that part of not having Internet gives you clarity of whats really important in life - love and family. And I spent time by myself, I read books and listened to music, painted, drew, made a few DIY projects, baked and talked to my friends and family on the phone or in person; without any distractions. It gives you a feeling that time stopped. You have time for yourself and your loved ones.

What I hated about not having an Internet Service? Not being able to read blogs, news, tweet and everything else I do daily. I missed out on my favourite TV shows and writing my Masters degree. I did not write new blog posts or any content to be exact. I mean you can write anything without an active Internet connection, but only to an extent. I research things and check if what I am writing about is true and so on. So no, I cannot really write without it. I also missed chats (online) with my family and friends and looking at online shops and picking out things for my baby boy. It is just so much things I could do daily. You guys know how it is - we do everything online these days, even pay our bills.

In all, it was and still is a positive experience, but we are very ready to get our Internet Service back. We will be good, we promise. We will take what we learnt from this experience and keep up the good habits. We will divide our time in a fair way and still bond as a family. To be fair, we are together in our computer room and talk all the time when we are online anyways. Really talk, person to person. I ask him if he wants a cappuccino and he says yes. Then he brings me snacks. Then we laugh at a funny video he found online. :) It is not like we ignore each other anyways.

If you plan on going off the grid for a while, take at least a week. Or two. Have a break. Have fun just being you. But then return to life :)

M.