Do you ever feel like you are in a good place in life, settled and happy but cannot shake the feeling of quilt about something you are currently not doing? Or just feel like your life is too good to be true and something bad is going to happen at any minute? That is what I am dealing with at this point and I want it gone. Sometimes life is just good, with no hidden agenda.
I have been feeling so lazy lately. But not lazy in general, I am a very selective lazy person I guess. I am currently lazy in writing posts, working on my masters degree and replying to emails, texts messages, sometimes even calls. The thing is, I am now very effective in other things, more of a housewife tasks. Lately I have been getting this urge to clean everything and get things in order in our house, make lists and prepare for future events. Cook and bake and make little thoughtful Christmas gifts for my family. Decorate our little apartment for Christmas and make everything pretty. Looking trough ideas for my wedding and making plans for the future. These are the things I am passionate about, my family, my plans, our future, happiness, here and now. About meeting out little baby boy in a short two months time. This is a pregnancy thing, right? I am changing so much and I have mixed feelings about it. On top of everything good I still feel quilt about the things I am not doing right now.
I am 8 months pregnant and very happy with my family life and proud of how far have I come. How I worked trough an awful eating disorder in the past, got over some tough situations in life, proud of how well I am handling my now very very rare panic attacks and going to amazing therapy sessions which have changed my life completely. Proud of me for accepting my own flaws, realizing my wrongs and owning my mistakes. Proud of letting go of quilt for something I had no real control over. Proud of my great family who stood by me and who I can always count on. Proud of my friends, who have stayed by my side no matter what. This is my life and I am doing okay.
There is still so much I want to do in life education wise, career wise, but I have no willpower and no real motivation for it. How is that I cannot get over the quilt? Because this is how I feel right now, a mix of happiness, joy, laziness and quilt for not working on some very important things in my life. I a type of person who always looks for something that is wrong, for something to feel quilt in life. It is a very messed up situation - there are times when I feel pure joy and I get confused for a moment, because I forget about bad things. And then I remember that there is something I was worrying about that day, before my happy moment. I know there was something. And then I question myself and wonder, until I find something. And I will always think of something. This is quite common in people nowadays, as my therapist says. We are constantly doing something, rushing, thinking non stop and we do not let or minds rest. As far as I can remember, I was always a nervous kid, always thinking, analyzing, feeling afraid and being anxious. Going trough situations in my head over and over again - what I said, how I acted, how did everyone react, who laughed at me, why, what is that person thinking of me right now and so on. It is exhausting and no wonder I grew up developing panic attacks - I never knew how to deal with problems, I kept everything bottled up inside. No one knew what is going on with me. Even when I was semi-honest, I always kept something bottled up inside. Always. It was exhausting and pointless. Problems catch up with you, even if your mind pushes them away, your body will remind you of them. This one is hard to get rid off, that is why I am writing about it. Maybe it will help me getting this out there. Maybe it will help one of you. Lets all be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a break. Just relax. It took us years to become like this, it is going to take years to change our ways of dealing with things. Our minds are powerful and subconsciousness is something we have no control over. It takes time to change our patterns.
I decide everyday that I am currently fine with my lack of will for my education and career, because I deserve time to enjoy my wedding, my pregnancy, the arrival of my precious little baby and feeling happy about my life. There is no need for quilt right now. You decide what your priorities are and stick with them. Choose to be happy. Maybe this is all there is about life. Decisions.